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|Shirley wanted to be introduced first, since she's the only one at the office, and the only one that's 9 to 5 -sharp. The rest of us Telecommute like normal "web persons." ( hope that's politically correct) She loves "blond jokes" and passes them all along. We've enrolled her in various computer literacy classes, but she still feels that e-mail should cause the phone to ring. She's a firm believer in "E-commerce", but refuses to get her paychecks by EFT, and still uses Quicken version 1.01 to balance her check book.|
|David is our CPA, former Bank VP, financial consultant, self proclaimed computer guru, owner of 3 bookkeeping services, and a collection agency. He, and his collection agent ( also a retired IRS guy -at right), contributed by listening to our clients woes about how electronic commerce is ruining their businesses. Seems they all feel pre-paid Internet orders, EFT/ EDI, zero based accounting, and the rest, are a threat to normal business transactions.|
Frank is a freelancer working part time on client projects taking photos and working on web page copy...
If you can read this whole story
without tears of laugher running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you! For
those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a
Chili Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the
parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.!!!!
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out ones taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. She is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!!
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like crap to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure he's going
to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.....
Gommer ( no relation to the Piles) wanted to narrate this demo with -real-audio clips. As a ex-radio talk show host & oldies -DJ, he felt the urge to comment on anything. We convinced him that until our ISDN or cable modem lines are installed, even we would have problems fighting web-bandwidth & downloads. He was also too busy broadcasting Microsoft and Netscape press releases for the local talk station. He's tapped to moderate our upcoming wholesale Club discussion group. Now Gomer is also a camera buff and loves shopping EcomCity for all the best buys in digital and film cameras....
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